Have you ever experienced a grueling time in your life when your friends and family turn to you and say I don't know how you handle it all?! Look at the past couple of years. The world has been beaten down, but many are now standing tall again despite the challenges we endured. Perhaps some of you may still feel burdened by everything that has transpired and you're seeing others around you move on and that's giving you hope that there's something positive after all of this C stuff. Having the courage to face adversity and display strength, endurance and even growth after the fact is a sign of resiliency.
I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.
~Maya Angelou
I'm going to share a snippet of my life with you - a quite painful part so bare with me. I was 18 years old and a Freshman (Plebe) at the U.S. Naval Academy. My family was incredibly proud of me for being accepted early to such a prestigious university and although I was nervous, I was also very excited. At the end of Plebe Summer training, I became quite ill with pneumonia and was hospitalized for one full week. By the time I left the hospital, I weighed less than 100 pounds and could barely stand up. I returned to USNA a shell of myself. I developed a back injury shortly after and spent the next year trying to nurse it back into shape despite excruciating pain. Finally, the doctors realized I had in fact broken my vertebrae in two places and I had my first spinal surgery at the beginning of my second year of college. During that hospital stay, I was overdosed and nearly died from too much morphine. Then, the wires they placed in my spine broke and I had to have another surgery a few months later. During the second surgery, there was a tear in my dura and I had to spend a week on my back post operation to avoid agonizing headaches and further damage. I think you get the picture that my perfect vision of becoming a Naval pilot was quickly squashed.
These experiences led to feelings of failure, depression and anxiety, and an overall sense of being lost. And yet, here I am years later and I can talk about them and see growth and resilience. It was messy when I was going through it and I can honestly say I made many mistakes and didn't handle that time of my life with grace. However, I am a stronger person now for having experienced it. I am proud of the physical and noticeable scars on my back because they reflect what I endured and the strength I know I have within myself. Not many can say that they stared death in the face and survived. I might not be flying overhead in a jet, but I am here sharing with you about resiliency which I think is just as cool!
I often wonder, what if I had the tools to become more resilient before experiencing all of that? Would it have made a difference? Would I have experienced post-traumatic growth right away rather than sinking into a darker place emotionally, spiritually and mentally? Regardless, I am excited that there are psychologists and educators sharing their knowledge of resiliency training with young students and military personnel, so they can apply proven skills when faced with difficult situations.
The science behind it
Psychologists have spent their careers focusing on the topic of resiliency. Dr. Martin Seligman who is known as the Father of Positive Psychology has written books on it and created various successful programs aimed at training others on how to become more resilient. He even partnered with the military to train soldiers so they could become more resilient and avoid PTSD and other common pitfalls from being exposed to combat and the stress of military life. If there was ever a time to dig into empirical research and train ourselves in the art of resiliency, it is now! My friends, I can't wait to share a little insight into this topic. Anyone who has sat through a counseling class with me knows how passionate I am about positive psychology and resiliency. I made my husband read Dr. Seligman's book Learned Optimism from cover to cover and then review it together because of my impassioned excitement over the topic. We were newlyweds so he was willing. :) Seriously, I hope that you walk away from this little introduction with the same amount of enthusiasm or at the very least, a curiosity to learn more on your own. So, let's dive right in. Shall we?
What is resiliency?
The American Psychological Association (APA) defines resilience as the the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back after facing a difficult situation. In other words, when faced with a crisis or trauma, our mind, emotional state and spirit return to their pre-crisis state very quickly and we maintain a positive perspective on what has occurred. Some people have the innate ability to do this on their own. Some experience personal growth following adverse situations. However, others need to be taught necessary thought patterns, behaviors, beliefs and emotional regulation. Being resilient does not mean experiencing a perfect life. One of the many guarantees we all have in life is that it is not guaranteed to be easy and there will be challenges and difficult times. However, understanding resiliency gives us hope.
An individual who faces trauma may then experience depression and PTSD. They may then bounce back to their previous state. Others may continue to become more depressed and sink into the depths of despair. While others may experience growth following the depression and end up in a better place than where they started. This is the goal for all of us - post traumatic growth. So, how can we get there? How can we avoid going to the darkest of places, and rather be armed and empowered to experience positive change?
Can resiliency be taught?
Dr. Seligman's course on learning how to flourish in life focuses on five factors - positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment, also known as PERMA.
By focusing on these five topics, Dr. Seligman and his colleagues have helped individuals learn skills to help deal with adverse and challenging situations. And the important thing to note is that each person's interpretation of these five topics can vary greatly. What elicits positive emotion for one person can be a negative thing for someone else. However, once we discover what they mean to us individually, we can flourish in life. If you want to explore this further, Dr. Seligman has a book entitled Flourish that I highly recommend.
When dealing with past events, learning to feel gratitude for what we have experienced can cultivate a positive emotion. Utilizing mindfulness can also elicit positive thoughts and feelings surrounding present events. And learned optimism is used for future events, similar to what is discussed in his book. Positive emotion can mean more than just gratitude though. It is also a sense of joy, comfort or hope. Learning to cultivate this emotion, lean into it and help it flourish in your life will lead to resilience. Someone who focuses on positive emotions will ignore the negative ones and flow with life. And going with the flow is the meaning behind engagement.
Why is engagement so important?
Have you ever poured your heart and soul into a task and felt the rewards after completing it? It's as though the time and space continuum stops completely and you are completely focused and engaged in that one thing whether it be a book, a professional goal, a creative activity or a deep conversation. That is the meaning behind engagement. When we commit ourselves completely to something and feel truly engaged, then we also experience flow and accomplishment. For me, I think of the look of achievement on my son's face when he has lost himself in building his Legos. His chest puffs up and he beams with pride once it is complete. If you have ever experienced this yourself, you know the feeling is wonderful and it can be pursued in many different areas of your life.
Exploring Meaning
Now that I have touched on positive emotion, engagement and accomplishment, why is meaning so important? I think it goes without saying that we all want our lives to mean something. If we do not have a purpose, what are we here for? Many of us find meaning by belonging to something greater than ourselves, such as God. For you, this may mean your family, an athletic team, your job, a political group, or a smaller group of people such as a support group or school club. As social beings, we gravitate towards others. It doesn't matter how you derive meaning in your life, it is imperative that you do. Personally, I find meaning in life from my faith and relationships with others, especially my family.
Understanding relationships
To me, relationships are incredibly important to our mental health. I don't mean being friendly with lots of people. I mean the kind of relationship where you can truly be yourself. Do you have people in your life who you can sit in silence with and feel comfortable? The kind of people who will call you out when you're behaving badly and you will love them anyway? The kind of people who you can gut laugh with one minute and sob like a baby the next? Well, if you don't - RUN! Run out and find some because these people are the key to your overall wellbeing. And you don't have to have a crowd around you - one or two is perfectly fine. For me, it's my husband. Or, my sister. Or, my friends all over the country and the world. I have been blessed with a few of these people. They have seen me at my best and also at my worst and they still love me. I can sit next to them in silence and there's no pressure to speak. I can lean on them during the worst of times or I can celebrate my accomplishments with them during the best of times and they are always in my corner.
Also, I have moved a lot. Y'all...A LOT. I have had to recreate my community countless times and it never gets easier. We are doing it now - digging in and trying to find our people because it's so important. Whenever my husband travels, I think to myself - where are my people? Because, although I am used to dealing with the sleepless nights with the kiddos alone, it would be nice to know I have someone else to call when I get sick or if one of my babes needs to make a late night ER visit. We live in a world of social media engagements. The number of friends you have tells others how supported and liked you are. However, is that reality? For me, it's the people who will drive to my home in the middle of the night when the sh#* hits the fan - they are part of my tribe. As social beings, we need a community and interaction with others. This helps us feel valued and supported. Take a step back and think about who you love and value in your life and how they have played a part in helping you get through rough times. For me, this picture shows the depth of my relationship with my husband, my soulmate. We are constantly joking with one another, laughing and being silly, or feeling frustrated. Again, no relationship is perfect. However, at the core of our relationship is love. He has seen me on the floor crippled with anxiety and depression and I have seen him heartbroken over losing loved ones. He has seen me ecstatic and full of hope and positivity and I have shared in his successes. I can measure my resiliency by the depths of my relationships. Can you?
So, what does all of this mean for us?
Now that I have given a brief overview of PERMA, what does resiliency mean for us and how can we apply this information to our own lives? Start with gratitude. Whenever my life feels out of control and I only see the negative or grey areas, I recommit to finding gratitude. I was taught years ago that a daily gratitude list can turn around our mental health and it has worked for me on countless occasions. Have you tried waking up every morning of the week and writing down 5 things you are grateful for? I can almost guarantee you will wake up on day 7 feeling differently.
Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more.
If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.
~Oprah Winfrey
Resiliency can be pursued through Dr. Seligman's 5 factors of PERMA, but his perspective is not the only one. There are others who have tackled the topic of resilience and many more recently. Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatté wrote the book The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life's Hurdles. Both authors are resilience coaches and once completing a Resilience Questionnaire at the beginning of their book, readers will then be taught 7 different factors (and sub factors) to focus on in order to build resiliency from learning your thought patterns and emotional responses such as how you respond to obstacles to challenging those beliefs. There are many more key elements to review and the authors do a wonderful job of breaking each down to fully understand how the reader can train themselves to become more resilient. Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg is a pediatrician and advocate for youth. He has dedicated his life to building resilience in teens through cultivating the 7 c's - competence, confidence, connection, character, contribution, coping and control. Some simplify resilience training to facing your fears, changing your mindset and exercising self-compassion. Dr. Amit Sood developed the Resilient Option program and is considered an expert on resilience world-wide. He has also written the book SMART with Dr. Sood: The Four-Module Stress Management and Resilience Training Program. This is another wonderful source for building resilience and you can find several references to the SMART program online. These are only a few examples of where you can find resources on resilience training. With the world constantly throwing challenges at you, why not invest in this?
Here are a few prompters to help you get started with resiliency training:
Gratitude List - Write 5 things you are grateful for each morning for at least one week.
Journaling - Topic 1: Think about a challenging experience from your past and how you overcame it. What were your thought patterns? Who did you lean on? How would you approach this situation if you had to relive it today? Topic 2: What is something you are proud of, an accomplishment you would want to share with someone? How did you achieve this? Did you experience the flow I mentioned above? What strengths did you rely on? Did anyone else help you?
Mindfulness - Sit still for a moment and think about your surroundings. Who is near you? What does your world around you look like? What in that moment are you grateful for? How does gratitude make you feel? Can you lean into the positive emotions behind it? Now sit with yourself for 10-15 minutes and try to focus on that feeling alone.
Breathing - For one full minute concentrate on your breathing. Breathe in through your nose and let your body feel the benefits of oxygen reaching into your lungs and traveling throughout your body while you pause at the top of your breath. Then, exhale through your nose fully and completely. Notice the difference between a full breath and shallow breathing. There are many breathing exercises you can find online with a simple internet search but keep in mind that nasal breathing is proving to have greater benefits.
If you would prefer to read books or research on your own, I suggest you start with the works of Dr. Seligman, Dr. Reivich, Dr. Shatté or Dr. Sood. I have also listed a few resources in the reference section.
However you decide to educate yourself on resilience, remember to give yourself grace. Perfection is never achieved my friends so don't strive for it. My goal is to be self-aware and continually work on myself. That doesn't mean I am perfect. I constantly fall and experience failure. However, I give myself grace in these moments and try again. Be kind to yourself and continue to push forward in life and try to find your flow. Mindfulness has also taught me that our brain is malleable. Our thoughts and perceptions can change. If you are reading this and consider yourself a negative person, I challenge you to dig a little deeper. You don't have to walk through life as Pollyanna but noticing the many gifts we are all given is important. Did I just age myself with the Pollyanna reference? Needless to say, perfection is not a goal; however, positive emotion and flourishing are. There's no such thing as perfect, so remember to give yourself grace.
Do not judge me by my success,
judge me by how many times
I fell down and got back up again.
~Nelson Mandela
xo,
Kimberly
References and Resources
American Psychological Association. (2020, February 1). Building your resilience. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
Positive Psychology Center at University of Pennsylvania - https://ppc.sas.upenn.edu
Reivich, K. & Shatté, A. (2003). The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life's Hurdles. New York, NY: Broadway Books.
Seligman, Martin E. P. 2013. Flourish. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.
Seligman, Martin E. P. 1990. Learned Optimism. New York, NY: Pocket Books.
Sood, Amit. 2019. SMART with Dr. Sood: The Four-Module Stress Management And Resilience Training Program. MN: Global Center for Resiliency and Wellbeing.
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